i never imagined that the boy i had loved for 3 years would take his own life
did he ever have a second thought about anyone else?
we may have broken up, and went on a bumpy road
but why in the world would he think no one cared?
he had told me once that if i ever left him he would kill himself
oh how i so often hear him say that now
repeated in my head, asking so many "what ifs"
when i know in my heart
we never couldve stayed together
something wasnt right
not only between us
but also inside his head
i feel sorry for him because he had so much going for him
at the same time i get so
fucking
angry (that he was selfish)
frustrated (bc he didnt talk to me)
and....
sad (bc hes gone)
why did alex decide this was his time to die
why couldnt he have told me?
why didnt he try to talk to me again?
if he loved me so much as he told me,
wouldnt he want to talk to me before he died?
was i just a cover the whole time
who concealed his depression with love?
maybe he never loved me but claimed he did only to get love in return
until i realized something wasnt right
then he faced his own fear:
himself and the monster inside
why did he go out with his friends that night?
did he mean to die when he did?
did he see that tree and know that that was the last thing he was going to see?
i never ever imagined the boy i met and loved
for 3 years
would take his own life....

gah! what the hell, what the hell,  what the hell???? why did i ever think alex was the right one for me? i keep hearing this question over and over. im thinking about either deleting all my posts on here, or just deleting my account all together. i just see the stuff i wrote about how perfect it was and all that shit and it makes me feel mad and basically just stupid for ever thinking that. i just needed james all along to show me what it should be like.  i dont even really know what to talk about bc im just plain happy. we became "official" i guess u could call it, a couple days ago. it was so cute. james had told me before that he wanted me to feel free to date other ppl when im at school. well the other night it was quiet on the phone, and then he was just like becky? do u care i would change my mind about u dating other ppl? i was like no not all. he said bc i just want u to be mine. i melted right then and there. hell every time i hear his voice i have a grin on my face. haha well i guess thats about it for now.
peace 

i am not looking forward to going back to school!  im in love with a man that loves me better. hah whenver that song comes on i say that instead of girl. im in love with an artist, musician, and hippie at heart.  he can cook some mean french toast, hes making me supper on thursday night for when i get off work, and he knows all the little old fashioned ways of treating a girl right. which can make me fall even more when he does one of those things.. for instance, when youre walking on the street, he makes sure hes on the outside.  he makes me speechless at times, brings tears to my eyes at others, and can always make me laugh and smile when i look in his eyes. im a hopeless romantic...i cant believe how fast all of this happened, but i think it was fate that brought me to him. i need to have a photo shoot with him as the model. *melts* :D
i love jami

im going through the most difficult time in my life i think so far. i met someone new, fell in love really fast, and at the same time fell out of love and fighting with who i thought for 3 years was my best friend. im angry, depressed, but at the same time when im with james im the happiest person ever. i went from one extreme to the other. alex wanted everything from me, wanted it to be forever, and clung desperatly onto me. now james is like holding me by a finger, saying i love you, but not wanting to stand in my way if some other guy comes along. at times i had doubts with alex and wanted to be held by a finger instead of a chokehold.  now i want james to hold me closer, but everytime i try it seems as though im crowding him. it breaks my heart either way. what the hell? im so confused. i thought i could still be friends with alex, but lately i guess not since i got a "fuck you" in an email.....and got told that he hated ever having feelings for me......its just not worth it. i have to forget about him and just let it go, but as much as a i hate him., i almost cant. 3 years is a long time to get over.  i dont want to go back to school. first of all thats pulling me away from james, and second of all thats closer to alex. not what i want at all. ive been told by james that hes not ready for a relationship, yet he still says i love you and everything. i guess our definition of a relationship is different.... i love him but at the same time i dont want to like smother him since he says hes not ready. and im afraid going back to school might change things. i hope not if he really means what he says. i just want something real. i want the love from james that he gives me but i know how hes not ready, and i feel like i am. im ready for a real relationship. im sick of all this shit of alex and then getting "im sorry im not ready for a relationship, but just know that i love you" ....
i havent been having the best of days, and i want so bad to let everything out to james, but i dont want to look desperate or just plain annoying. i dont want to push him away any further or im afraid he could let go.
hah, the song banana pancakes by jack johnson came on. makes me think of when james and i danced in the river at a park. haha
ugh why does love have to be such a hard thing to deal with, when its such a simple feeling?

omg i think my life has changed today. haha sounds so dramatic. but seriously someone walked into my life today and it was like bam. im so scared that alex may not be my only boy anymore.... and yet i only met this guy once today. prob for a total of like 10 maybe 15 minutes overall. but i cant stop thinking about it. i guess bc ive never experienced a guy asking for my number, or flirting face to face before. haha. wow. i dont know. im so nervous.  i dont know. i have to see how things go from here. i dont know. maybe hes just gonna be a really good friend. who knows...

have u ever felt like u were just floating through life, like sometimes u dont know why youre here, or like the things u want are so completely far away u feel like being the laziest person in the world? ive felt so confused and overwhelmed lately. i think i have anxiety or something. thats what it feels like. maybe im a hypochondriac haha. todays not a bad day, im in a good mood. last week was fun though with the besties! olive garden is the shiznit. haha and just hanging out is always fun. 
im going to try to start eating better and doing some exercises or something ever morning. i start work in a week so ill have to see how that goes. i really hope i can find a second job so i wont have to work in the bakery as much. and i dont want to quit it completely bc they let u come back pretty much anytime u want, like over breaks and stuff. so thats def a plus and i dont wanna give that up. i wish i could get a job that at least slightly relates to what i want to do.
theres so many things that i would like to do but i feel like i dont have the time and i think thats bc im lazy. i guess at least i recognize it. haha. i wanna try to teach myself guitar. somehow..... uh yeah. i told my mom about this site that basically walks u through everything. and she said well u know it is partially talent too u know.... and i thought, oh well maybe i dont have the talent part. but realy who knows?i think if i apply myself to anything i can do it. its the apllying part i have trouble with. i give up or get frustrated too easily.
for instance, i should paint today but ill prob get distracted o something. ok i wont. i will paint i will paint haha.
i just have to say that pandora is awesome. i found out that u can only skip so many songs within an hour. i tend to skip through songs bc i say ooo thats i good song, ok whats next. im anxious to hear the next good song instead of enjoying it.
next weekend is when im going to have 2 empty houses to myself for almost 2 days maybe 3. my mom and dad are going to the indy 500 race, and bili and jessica are going to a friends wedding i think, so i have to watch their house from friday to monday. aaannnd theres that concert thingy with seether and flyleaf!! itll be a good weekend. its amazing what music can do for me..
welp im off to go try and be productive...
(oh btw girl, interrupted is a good movie, except i think it gave me weird dreams :) )

so i just got off the phone with alex. its been kinda different lately. i feel like we dont talk as much. maybe its just bc its been over a week. i dunno. plus the fact im pmsing and stressed doesnt help.
im anxious for everything in this semester to be over with.
i want to be done with these classes, and done with the weird roomate.
im still getting used to saying im 20. soooo weird.
but everytime i see the decorations in the room that jessica and kristy made for me it reminds me and im like ooooh yeah. hah
itll be weird to think that im gonna be a junior next year. already.
i dont know what else to talk about
just wanted to get some things out for now
peace out

I wish i had a day to just lay in the grass and watch the sky.

or a big field where i could spread out my paints and art it up

i want sun and grass

i want summer


ps. i was outside today for my art class, and got to hug a tree. it made my day :D

i havent been able to sleep lately. its either hard to get to sleep or i wake up at random times, usually like every 3 hours or so for no apparent reason. teachers love to load everything on at the end of the year bc they havent taught us at the right speed in the last semester.  and i dont want to go home to work 40 hours a week after this. im trying to find another job, so at least i dont have to work at the bakery as much. i think ill only keep it bc theyre good for college students and let u come back each break and summer. other than that im just ready for a change. ideally i would like to get a job thats somewhat related to art therapy or at least working with patients in some way. i dunno. ive been up since before 6. well technically i woke up 5, then went back to sleep for almost an hour. i feel like such a hippy. bili and jessica got me the hippie dictionary and the woodstock movie for my birthday. then jessica and kristy decorated the room with little peace and a sign on the mirror that says dont worry be hippy. and now, for my speech on thursday i decided to do recycling. yep. i guess im regressing back to my natural state. hah. natural. watev. ill get pics up soon of last weekend with alex and the park. i like them bc it was such an awesome day, plus i was with my buddy :)
im too tired to do it now though
later, peace out

ok so i feel like i need to just go and not worry about what im writing. (art therapy yes)
found out that i cant have an apartment next year. they will take away about 5000 dollars from my scholarship just bc my status would be changed to commuter. so back to living in a dorm. hopefully we get the one we want bc they at least have 24 hour visits friday and saturday. but its just the fact of having to share space again. now i love jessica as a friend but u know, sometimes things can get on your nerves. maybe its just lately bc ive been stressed with every frickin little thing, but yea. she tells stories in detail detail. takes f o r e v e r. and when shes getting ready to leave, for instance today... i wanted to go to lunch, it was 12 my stomach was freakin out so i was grumpy. she took like 10 minutes lookin through her email and on the phone, and then get stuff together. i dunno, ive just been pissed off lately, or cranky i guess. but like i said jessica is a really good friend and i know well be fine rooming together next year, its just little things that can drive me nuts sometimes. living with 3 other lacrosse players can get on anyones nerves i think. thats pretty much all that they talk about. plus theres so much drama and shit going on within the team that i feel like i should just join, i know what other ppl are talking about, how well they play, and hear about different kinds of stretches they do at practice. at lunch today i sat with my usual, which is cool. amanda misiak, jessica, and kristy. thats cool and everything, but theyre all athletes. im not. period. they talk about how much u need to do this, do that, and im like yep yep. i sat there in silence just kinda looking around while they talked about sports. O.O
i have an art portfolio review tomrrow morning, kinda nervous but i know that ill hopefully pass. u either pass or fail, no pressure right? im telling u now (whoever that may be) that if i fail, it will not be good. someone will have to take my art away before i through it all out. bc ive had doubts before, like not selling at the art show for one, so if i fail this.......yeah.
i love alex, i think everyone knows that. and every relationship is bound to have some difficulties, thats what makes u stronger. this weekend was awesome with him bc i hadnt seen him in a long time. but at night, or whenever wed lay down just cuddle time :) sometimes i felt like i was the only one that cared. like id hug him and stuff and hed lay there. the one night i was sleeping behind him facing his back, trying to make him want to roll over and face me, haha. but he didnt. which most likely is that he was asleep or just too tired. so i just said dont forget about me. he woke up right away and turned over. mission accomplished. its just sometimes i feel like i have to work too hard to get attention. maybe i just too much attention.. and i know i prob pull the classic girl mentality where its like why cant u just know that i need you????? you should instinctly know! but guys dont and i need to get used to that. fast. or else it will be bad. i can feel it. i know i have to let him know though. ill work on that too. communication x 2 right?
i had sceduling for next year to worry about too. im taking japanese at the univ. of scranton. m.w.f. which means more gas money. i turned in a form to start tutoring, (which pays) but they havent contacted me back. nad i dont knwo how well thatll work next year bc my schedule is so busy. who knows. i have a sculpture final project im slowly working on too. i have to do a speech outline to plan my next speech due on thursday oh yeah and i still have to start a history  paper and a psychology paper, both of which are almost 10 pages long each.
my red hair is slowly fading :(  alex didnt say much about it. but yeah.
oh now all the captains on the lacrosse team are in here and theyre all signing something. yay for being left out!!!!! i still have easter candy to eat. i didnt eat healthy today. i had a lot of sugar and crap. oh well. days like these are good influences for my food intake. it was gloomy.
i cant stand the way adriana talks. she over annunciates words very precicly. well that rant about her could go on for a while but i wont go there.
my thumb is starting to hurt
oh! it was fun on saturday and sunday we played out side for a while. saturday was almost dusk when we played with mikey but thats always a nice time. sunday all four us (with brittany and mikey) played crochet. i dont know if thats how u spell it. but its always fun to run around with people. and we watched chicken little on saturday night :) i like that movie. haha
hmm i slowed down. i guess thats about it for my rantingness.
peace

my stomach is about to grow an arm and smack me in the face


that is all for now, have a nice day! :D

all my  roomates are in bed, and no one online to talk to at 1030. my roomies have lacrosse practice at freakin 6 in the morning which means theyll be geting up at 5.  >< fun stuff. and my baby is sick. hoping he feels better in 3 days. he booked our hotel!!!!!!!  i cannot wait for friday!!!!!! wooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
took a psych midterm today. wasnt too bad. hopefully i did well.
i have a feeling i might be eating chicken tenders for breakfast. ew?
i dont really know what to write, i just felt the need.
i feel like i have to type quietly bc theyre all in bed and the lights are off.
next year will be better bc we'll have an apartment, no rules and hope to god our own rooms. that would be amazing. i just need to save up moola.
i miss alex. its only been 2 weeks but i think bc i got used to seeing him every weekend, it made it harder to be away for this long. and over spring break and stuff, thats gonna be rough.
oh yeah a month from today ill be the big 2-0! im kind of anxious but have peter pan complex. i dont wanna grow up!! twenties? weird. i dont know, i think itll just be weird saying twenty. hmm
then i think about alex turning 22? now thats funky. i remember when he was 19 turning 20. i feel old haha.
i dont have class till 11 tomorrow.... and my early class was canceled today so i ended up goign back to sleep for an hour. which means im not all that tired, but i know ill prob be woken up around 5, yet wont have to get up for a while after that. hmm. oh well. i feel lazy though. like i could go to bed but ill end up laying there thinking about stuff which is never good for me.
to end on a happy note, this picture always makes me laugh bc i can remember almost exactly what was going on. it was in the morning (alex's hair is every where (love it)), and he was dancing to some song. i think it mightve been a commercial or something. i can just picture him dancing though and i caught it muhahaha



ill run away with you, by my side.....
i think about your face and how i fall into your eyes, the outline that i trace around the one that i call mine....

I need to paint but i dont have the time. thats like the worst feeling for an artist.  i have too many things to think about and do. and my paint brushes are staring me down. i need some color in my life but i dont feel like i have the time to make it.  and i think im going to work over break, or at least part of the time bc i need the money.  i really have no idea how things are gonna work out as far as living arrangements go.  i just need to focus on getting things done one at a time but thats a really hard thing to do right now considering i feel like my brain is scrambled.  i think if i get this reading stuff done today/tonight then ill just take time out to paint. my art therapy class is canceled tomorrow so maybe i could do it then. thatll be an incentive to getting this other crap done.
i was telling alex about the whole apartment thing last night, and he was like i have a room for rent. : )
too bad i cant commute 2 hours every day.....id be there in a heartbeat.

ive come to a conclusion that in college, you lose some, you gain some.  you realize which friends will really stick up for you and really listen when you talk.  just wanted to throw that out there.

2 more weekends and then my besties come visit!!!!!!! im so psyched.
i just have to get through this week. i have a psych presentation, and a speech on Thursday. blaahh
we have to be thinking about where we are living next year too. i think i want to live in "The Woodlands" apartments. sounds like im moving into trees right? we're gonna go on tours on sunday. i think jessica, me and kristy are most likely gonna room together but we have to find like 2 more people to live with us or be stuck with god knows who. hah.
i should prob call my mom tonight since we havent talked in a while. shes prob about to call me.

i just remembered that i have to do these assignments for my perspectives on the pursuit of peace class. we have to write a letter to osama bin laden. one is supposed be from us, the other is supposed to be from gandhi. i have no idea how or what i am going to say. i mean what do u say to this guy?? do i tel him he needs art therapy?

ew i feel fat.

i still havent unpacked from this weekend.

im really random, my mind is jumpin jumpin


so.. i love this boy, his name is alex.  did you know?
he has a wicked sense of humor and can give me a look like no other. i can escape in his pretttty blue eyes... he's my one and only cuddle buddy.  his arms pick up the pieces of me when i fall apart. hes my life's main component, hes my best friend forever. oh and he listens well :)  (most of the time, hehe) im hopelessly in love...

so i just realized that when i changed my layout, and after telling people i like to explore abandoned places, ppl may think i graffiti the place. but i dont!!!!! i just like looking at graffiti. and wish ppl wouldnt do it in the abandoned places. its just kind of disrespectful i think.  but anyway...

yay! my 2 afternoon classes were canceled!  now i just feel like curling up in bed. but i feel like i should be doing homework. i remember the good ol days when we had a snowday we'd either stay inside with hot chocolate and disney movies, or go out and build snowmen. ah yes. but its still nice. hey i do have peter pan and 101 dalmations dvd here :) 
this weekend was good and lazy. we didnt set foot outside the whole time. we played games (of course) and watched ratatouille. oh we also tried to put a puzzle together. haha maybe this weekend we can finally go sledding together? we also need to take pictures. havent done that in a long time. plus the fact that alexs hair is getting really long shaggy-like. : )
so anyway, not much else going on except of course homework and not wanting to do it. i want to put more pictures up on deviant.
yes that is what ill go do!

i love alexander christopher weaver!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i was gonna work on my online class quiz, but then decided i need to get some writing done first.  this weekend was pretty good, especially compared to the last week. im in a mood now where its like u can throw anything at me and i know i can deal. bring it on life.  i think part of its bc im just pushing back or ignoring the fact ocmpletely that im going out of my mind haha. now that im doing this, i cant think of anything to write. wow. ok so uhh
i feel like all i write is babble and prety much pointless but oh well.
alex and i went to the park on sunday bc it was really nice out. we played tennis (or at least attempted) bc were both pretty bad. but its pretty funny.  we take up the whole court instad of one side bc we run all over the place.  then we just walked on the path back to the car where we were just like ok thats enough too tired.  so the rest of the day we were really lazy. it took some effort to go back out to get gas in my car. hah
then i left this morning when he left for work.
"I wanna wake up where u are.." "u wanna get married run away?"  that song just came on :)
i dont know if ive said this before, but a lot of the songs i like usually have something about running away in them. its just a sign that thats really what i would like to do. wouldnt it be awesome if you could just start driving. not worrying about money or anything. not that u would spend it like crazy, but for gas and stuff. u wouldnt really know where u were going, just see where the road takes u and stop where stuff looks interesting.  i would absolutely love to do that someday. when im rich and famous :) haha ill save up a ton of money just for that. ill kidnap alex and not tell him anything. make him forget about work for hmm about a month i guess? somewhere around there.  but yeah ehem anyway, thats my dream...... moving on,
im starting to try to put more stuff on deviant art and make that more active. its cool when people comment on ur stuff so im trying to put more up.
in fact thats what ill go do, then i wont procrastinate any more and ill do my quiz. yes that is what i shall do. i am writing it down. on   the   computer   y e p
peace

so i havent painted in a long time, and im starting think thats why ive been not wanting to do homeowrk. i guess i just feel too constricted. i need my art therapy haha. but its true. so this is my plan. (dont know why im writing it here but oh well) btw did u know that journaling is a form of art therapy? that also includes making to-do lists. doesnt it feel good to cross off things youve done? yep thats art therapy. anyway, i think ill go get a sandwich from "outtakes" so for one, i dont have to eat by myself or with adriana, i know thats horrible, but also bc i want to come back here and paint.  paint paint paint! and music. jeez i need some time to just sit and listen to music! i still havent gotten dressed, thatll be first. uuh yeah. i need to think of a topic for my first speech. it can be any topic. and i have to have an outline by thursday. adriana just left, prob to go to lunch, which means i can play music out loud and not have headphones on! woo! i know i get excited about the stupidest things. 
welp here i go.
peace out

school is getting rough, moneys running thin...
im not leaving you not on your own, just cuz were far away doesnt mean anything

even when we feel we cant do this, listen to this song

   

im starting to think im not smart enough to be in college. O.O

so school is back in session, but my brain still seems on vacation.  classes are ok, its just a matter of getting used to i guess. i had my first speech class today....we already had to give a 2 minute speech! the first day! she put us in partners and interview each other. and then introduce them to the class. woo hoo but i did interview this nice guy. it was kind of fun i guess until i didnt even get a full 2 minutes. she ended up giving me a 22 out of 30. didnt count, it was just to give us an idea... of how insane she is. so i have a 1-2 page response paper to write, and i should read some for my online class. cannot WAIT for tomorrow going to see my boy finally. i wish i didnt have to drive. but i dont really mind at this point. i just need it. need him. its gonna be a tough semester but im determined to bring my gpa up.  i seriously need to or else i face losing my scholarship. my thumb is sore from having to make clay soft. it was like this big block and extremely hard. lucking we only have to use a third of it, but still it took like half hour to an hour just to get enough soft enough to be able to mold. it was fun talking to ppl though. see im trying to find the good in stuff. haha um yeah , cant really think of anything else to write about. i should prob get started on work. oh these are pictures of what i did today in sculpture. our stuff is supposed to  be related to the theme "humans on earth." this guys neck or whatever is a tree trunk. and eventually were make a mold out of it and make it bronze. so i didnt know wheter to add detail to his mouth, eyes whatever. what do u think????